At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
