i just wanna soil my oats bro
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
