I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
How does one acquire holy water?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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