i'm signing you up for texting rehab
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Randomize
