i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize