my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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