Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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