Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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