I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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