Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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