Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
