mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Who put my cat in the fridge?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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