I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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