Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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