She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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