Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
