I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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