Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
