Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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