Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
bring money and cleavage
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
