My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
