No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize