apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
