the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
