Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
