why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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