you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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