You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
