We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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