and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
