I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize