shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
