And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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