i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize