I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
