I didn't shave. On purpose
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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