:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
