dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
