Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
