I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
When did angry sex become our thing?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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