Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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