Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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