I think I can smell my own vagina right now
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
