he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
