If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
3pm strippers are depressing
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
