just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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