I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
