conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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