I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
