I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
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