did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
