Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
