im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
