I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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