You just made me feel so damn special
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
