It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize