Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
