Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
