next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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