Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
