When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Randomize
